I was Publicly Shamed for my Sexual Writing
11 years later, I've returned to sharing shamelessly.
In 2011 I had my writing published for the first time. I was fresh out of college- a free bitch with a degree in Anthropology from Vassar College. I had thoughts and opinions I wanted to share. I was a fierce feminist like I’ve always been and also, very sexual, like I’ve always been.
One of my college friends was a co-founder of an online publication that was taking off like wildfire. The topics written about were varied but came almost entirely from the perspective of a group of young guys who wanted to stir some shit up. It often felt a like locker room talk. Objectively, it needed more badass women’s voices. Cue me…
When I got invited to submit some of my writing, I thought: Two could play at this game! I was excited to share about my experiences of sexual liberation, proud sluttery and feminism.
I was unabashed.
One of my favorite lines was from an article I co-wrote with my best friend Kaitlyn called “Ladies is Pimps Too”. It went: “I’ve been around the world and ay-ay-I’ve had my name moaned in more languages than the Rosetta Stone.”
LOL the audacity to write such a thing as a 22 year old woman. I’m proud of how few fucks I gave and my braveness pre-pre-frontal cortex full development. I stand by everything I shared then, even if some of it makes me giggle and cringe. I love that I just said what I meant and meant what I said.
The publication was a start up- in many ways everyone was just making it up as they went. I was the only woman contributor that I knew of when I first started and I found myself fighting for my contributions to be acknowledged. I damn well didn’t get paid even as I traveled to festivals for coverage and did things like interview a number of DJs on their behalf and also Scott Disick (I was put on the spot and had no idea who he was, it went horribly but we all laughed at how annoyed he was). I often advocated for myself but I was just yes’d along. I decided to make this role my bitch, get all kinds of press passes, get my writing out there, used the experience to help launch my own publication (it was called WildSpiceMag and was founded and operated alongside a group of my best friends.).
In 2013 a scathing article was released by a very well known publication about this publication I worked for. It put everyone’s ass under fire and called out many members of the team by name, including myself. The section about me went as follows:
I want to point out several things:
They identified me as a “model”. I was at the time, among many other things including Editor, Writer, Interviewer, Music Writer, and Dancer. However, they used this modifier as if it automatically disqualified me from having a valid opinion. So unoriginal.
They mocked my mission statement, WHICH I want to point out remains in tact as my current mission statement, except these days I would not say that media is my realm specifically or use the word “female” because I have better educated myself and I’m even more passionate about gender inclusivity so I would never limit Pussy Power just to “females”.
They spelled my name wrong 50% of the time they referenced me.
They contradicted themselves by saying both that our writing was BOTH performative for male readers like we didn’t mean what we said AND saying that we wrote it selfishly for our own pleasure…. contradiction much?
They accused our writing as being hypersexual. More on that in a moment.
I may not have retained much in sociology but that’s irrelevant. In Women’s Studies classes I was frustrated by all the erudite academic bs that I felt shamed by because of my commitment to sexual autonomy and expression. I bumped heads with the department at Vassar as they seemingly tried to invalidate my lived experience. They also didn’t like Madonna, so I was in great company. (I wrote an extensive research paper about Madonna and her music videos for Human Nature & Justify My Love).
This commentary reminds me of the same hypocrisy used against one of my sheros, Tokischa. (Do I flatter myself with the comparison? Very well then, I flatter myself.) The Popola Presidente (Pussy President), as she often refers to herself as, Tokischa, is a Dominican rapper who is under constant criticism for her overtly sexual lyrics and openness about her past and current sex work. Its the fact that her lyrics are just as sexually charged as the men that is apparently too much to digest (surprise!). Its not hard to decode why even in a sexually expressive place like her homeland of Dominican Republic, she’s often been neglected by local DJs and discriminated against by potential landlords, even while skyrocketing to worldwide fame. Its very obviously attributed to the double standard rooted in colonization and catholicism.
Hypersexual is a word that many people like to throw around in critique of women who admit to being sexual beings. This word is used to describe Tokischa’s work often, and apparently mine too. Am I saying hypersexuality doesn’t exist? I am not. It can be a result of trauma, sexual inundation from the media, or sex addiction. It is also way overused in my opinion and seems to be used most in reference to women. Double edged sword much?
There is an element to feminism that includes rhetoric like what I said earlier in this article: “two can play at that game”. Meaning, tapping into behaviors and ways of being that are more traditionally “masculine”and downplaying attributes more typically designated to “femininity”. This is considered a method used consciously to level the playing field.
That might be part of what is happening in some cases. But the other part is simply women expressing our current sometimes complicated perspectives and experiences, when it comes to sex. period.
Our society is so quick to villainize, belittle, dismiss any woman who interacts with sexuality at all in any way. Or any woman who doesn’t frankly.
I suddenly remembered this stupid article existed last week when I came across a masculine presenting colleague of mine from college having a seemingly very successful career sharing their sexual escapades. I totally felt a twinge of jealousy.
Jealousy is a powerful indicator of what you want for yourself that you either haven’t let yourself pursue or haven’t made peace with your process/progress yet. In this case, it also reminds me of the sexism that exists when it comes to this topic in particular. How a woman writing sexually has historically always been weaponized, censored, ridiculed, not taken seriously in comparison. Or the fact that said writing has often been written under a pseudonym to protect the author’s identity. (Note: I’ve been using my real name since day 1 for all aspects of myself (writer, burlesque performer, stripper, founder of Pussy Empowered™) and I will continue to do so for as long as I wanna.)
I haven’t shared my most sexual writing since I stopped working for that publication around 2013.
Oh, I have been writing it. Have I ever. Because I love to. I looove writing erotica and writing about the erotic in general. I love re-living a delicious sexual experience over again via pen on paper or acrylic nail on keyboard. I’ve never really shared any of it with anyone except a few very close friends (you know who you are).
Little by little I’ve been sharing it in my virtual membership Erotic & Alive & with select clients. I have been encouraged over and over to share. I have received feedback that my writing turns folx on, inspires them, makes them feel something they haven’t felt from other erotic writing.
They resonated. I wonder why? Is it because its refreshing to read the words of a woman talking candidly about their lived sexual experiences? Because we are rarely allowed to do so, let alone revel in our sexuality. Of course we are drawn to explore it for ourselves and hear about it from an unfiltered source!
I’ve had a really hard time finding erotica that I relate to. But truth be told, I’ve always preferred writing about my own experiences than reading about someone else’s. I spend at least an hour most days just writing and it plugs me into deep realms of myself consistently and thoroughly.
I’ve felt the call to share more of my erotic art very strongly over the last 3 years. Its taken me a minute to a) find a platform that felt right b) work up the courage to share it with others beyond my inner circle… again.
I kinda forgot that I used to share it loudly and proudly.
I can’t say that I remember this article really getting under my skin. In fact, I remember kinda brushing it off. Or maybe even reveling just a little bit in being spoken about at all. One of my favorite quotes after all was, “Its better to be talked about that not talked about.” - Oscar Wilde.
When I remembered this article, I wondered, hmm has this had anything to do with my hesitance to share my erotic writing again?
Frankly, I don’t think so. Not on a conscious level anyway.
Was it monogamy that my partner and I practiced for 7 years before opening up our relationship that had me feeling like public erotic writing wasn’t my place anymore?
Was it that I was just focused on other things and didn’t see where this fit in?
It was in a therapy session a few years back with my Sex Therapist, Allie Lerner that Allie asked something along the lines of, how are you holding space for “The Exalted Erotic” in your life for yourself?
That phrase struck me and I immediately saw the book I want to create all laid out in my mind’s eye.
If I want to write this book, I better start, I thought to myself. Since then, I’ve continued to write erotically preparing myself mentally for the time when I would finally share my writing out loud again.
This is that time.
For now, the juiciest of my writing will remain behind a paywall because frankly, that’s where it deserves to be. Its worth being compensated for. Its potent.
I hope it titillates you like it titillates me. If it triggers you or you judge me for it, thats fine with me.
Thanks, dumb article, for putting me on blast and showing me that it doesn’t fucking matter what anyone thinks. “Sticks and stones, love”.
Buckle up, its about to get spicy(er)…
